wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I intend to get homeless drunk
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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