The maid of honor just puked.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
