Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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