She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
