My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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