No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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