I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize
