did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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