your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
