your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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