Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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