I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
