We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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