fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
