when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
