My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
