If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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