I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
