I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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