What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can I color on your dick again?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
