Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
