Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
