____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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