maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize