I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
