Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
