I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
