I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
