Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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