I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
