Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
