remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
