I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
