so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize