...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
