I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize