so that wasnt chicken after all
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Randomize
