Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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