if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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