none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
