if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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