im holly from the hills drunk
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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