No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
