Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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