So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
