College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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