I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
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