true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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