maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
