I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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