How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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