Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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