Small penises have feelings too.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
