I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Drunk is not a location!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
