after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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