she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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