Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize