Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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