Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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