Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
